Susan Orlean is Not a Doctor

However, I do make house calls.

A few years ago, I received an email from a pharmaceutical company. It had a hale, cheery tone. “Dear Dr. Kaufman,” it began. “Here is your April issue of PDR Drug Update.” It went on to report that a study of Cefepime-zidebactam in Complicated Urinary Tract Infections was underway, and volunteers were being recruited to participate. For a moment, I thought I was being recruited, and quite rightly so: When I was in college, I suffered from constant UTIs and would have done just about anything to defeat them, including volunteering for a study.

Photo by National Cancer Institute on Unsplash

But when I read the email again, I realized it was meant for a Dr. Kaufman, whoever he or she was, although it had landed in my inbox. If I graduated from medical school, I have evidently forgotten it. I have never gone by the name Kaufman. If I were to assume an alias, I’d go for broke: I’d use one of those porn name formulas (street where you were born+last thing you ate, or however they work), not a name that reminded me a lot of my childhood orthodontist.

I assumed this was a one-off fumble, an email fired off to some nice Dr. Kaufman that had gotten stuck in the Internet pipes and ended up squirting into my inbox; a singular goof. But what an odd one! My name is misspelled all the time. Most often, an “s” is added to “Orlean”, which baffles me; is it a callback to New Orleans? Or do I just seem like a multiple? Susan seems less error-prone, although I have at times gotten “Suzan” and “Suzanne” and variations thereof. But “Kaufman”? Such a leap.

Being Dr. Kaufman has kept me busy. I get a lot of prescription drug updates, and invitations to medical conferences. The arrival of LinkedIn has increased my visibility. So many invitations from so many inappropriate people: My medical colleagues, of course, plus a few people offering billing and management software, and lots of tech entrepreneurs, who I suppose are assuming that thanks to my thriving medical practice, I have disposal income I’m looking to invest.

I’ve blocked a few of the accounts that pursue Dr. Kaufman, but a few manage to sneak through now and then, and each time I marvel at the epic mistake that sent them my way. Is it perhaps a future life or a past life leaking into the present? Did someone type “Susan Orlean, Writer” while drunk and it came out “Dr. Kaufman, Medical Professional”? By the way, there is never a first name in these missives. If there were, I could probably track down the real Dr. Kaufman, and we could have a laugh. Perhaps he/she is getting emails for me.

SHOW NOTES

—What do you all think of the New York Times 100 Best Books of the 21st Century list? Asking for a friend. I was asked to contribute my picks—we were each asked to name our ten favorites, ranked—and I dithered for so long that I missed the deadline.

—It is really, really hot here in Crete, but it sure is beautiful.

That’s me, bobbing in the water on the right. I got a sunburn.

—I’ve been incredibly productive at this artist residency! I’m now at 86,000 words, yay!!

—Posting this now before the Wifi fails. Hope you’re all having a happy July!