The Single Most Horrible Thing You Will Read Today
Holey, holey, holey
Do I remember the first one? I do not. I probably didn’t even recognize what it was. Maybe I thought I had snagged my sweater on a nail, leaving a shredded tiny hole. Oh, there’s another one — maybe two nails? Fat chance, sister. It’s the fucking moths again. The enemy. The curse. Evil incarnate.
I hate to speak so ill of a living thing, but can someone please tell me why clothing moths should exist? Do they have any purpose other than being destructive little shits? Is there another, nicer animal that needs to feed on them, thus justifying their existence? Take vermin, for instance: They’re awful, but they are a food source for many cute animals like foxes and owls and bobcats. It’s no fun encountering a rat, but knowing it’s dinner for something appealing is a big plus. Clothing moths are a snack for some spiders, but those spiders can find plenty else to eat. My point here is that there is no good reason to have anything other than pure hate for clothing moths, pure raging flaming hate.
I tolerated the occasional nibble or two in my sweaters until about eight years ago, when our house was suddenly the site of a clothing moth convention for reasons we never quite understood. Yes, there had been a rug rolled up for too long—a moth fan favorite—and there was a sweater wedged in the back of a closet that clearly had been a host organism, but we never positively identified Patient Zero because THERE IS NO PATIENT ZERO. Clothing moths arise out of thin air! They are made of stardust! They appear out of nowhere, for no reason, with no explanation! You will go mad if you try to figure out why you are afflicted because there is only one answer: You are a afflicted because You are a Hairless Animal Who Wears Clothing and Clothing Moths Will Find You. At the time of this initial full invasion, I totally lost my mind. I had holes in my holes, as if the moths had gone meta, drilling multiple times into the same tender fibers.
There was only one thing to do. I gathered every single woolen thing I owned, discarded the ones so riddled with holes they had transitioned into something more like mesh, and then took the remaining pile to the dry cleaner, telling my little son that I was terribly sorry but we would no longer be able to afford college for him. The tailor then mended the holes in the sweaters I couldn’t bear to lose. Then we bought a freezer—one of those gigantic ugly chest freezers that are popular with people looking to stash the bodies of hitchhikers they’ve murdered. This was the second line of defense. After the clothes were dry cleaned they would be frozen, which apparently even moths don’t like.
Around this same time we had to have our house tented for termites. It dawned on me that heating the house for several days to kill termites might rid us of our clothing moths, since termites are pretty tough little critters and it takes a tent and a lot of heat to kill them. I mentioned this hopeful conjecture to our termite guy and he laughed uproariously. Clothing moths, apparently, can survive termite treatment. Just think about that. It’s almost like saying they can survive nuclear winter. The uproariously laughing termite guy did say that if we wanted to keep the house tented an extra day at an even higher temperature than he was using for the termites, that might roast the moths. I was deliriously excited. Yes, of course I want to bake my house and incinerate these demons! Up went the strangely festive termite tent, which made my dwelling look like a giant bouncy house. First, a few days of termite treatment. Then crank up the heat and another day for the moths.
Reader, I was in heaven. For a short blissful time, it seemed like we were living moth-free. I bought cashmere again—have we mentioned how much moths love really good sweaters? They aren’t interested in the acrylic blend you got at Target. They do not care for sweatshirts. They love a buttery cashmere, a silk weave, a fine gauge Irish wool. If they were human-sized, they would probably be buying The Row.
But this is why we can’t have nice things. We live in the moths’ world, not ours. We are just visitors. I don’t know how it happened. Word somehow got out in the Tineola bisselliella world (in case you care, that’s the scientific term for these monsters), or a vintage woolen item came in, freighted with little mothlets, unbeknownst to us, or well, who the hell knows? Despite the tenting, the dry cleaning, the freezing, the cursing, the weeping, the mending, and the praying, the little visitors found their way back. The weather took a nice turn the other day, so I reached for a short-sleeved lightweight cashmere sweater that I haven’t worn in a while. It has seen the frontlines of battle: It has been dry-cleaned and frozen, and it has three mended holes from the bad old days. I took it out of the closet and slipped it on, savoring its supple texture, and turned to look at myself in the mirror. There, mid-belly, was a prominent hole, a NEW hole.
I surrender.
Why hasn’t Hollywood taken on clothing moths for a horror movie?
SHOW NOTES!!
—In case you are worried, this is not devolving into a household pest Substack.
—I’m watching the Oscars at home in my sweats.
—I am in the process of digitizing my closet. I’m using INDYX. It seems like a lot of work, but I have a few different closets in my house so I’m already finding it very useful for remembering what is where.
—I’ve hit 35,000 words on my memoir!!!
I have one really nice cashmere sweater, that I bought in Scotland, and thought the small hole in it was from wear and tear. Now gonna move it to the cedar armoire we have, since our basic decor is what my cousin calls "early dead grandmother."
Susan!
I wish I'd known that you suffer from this horrid situation as this is something we have in common. My house is most certainly a moth convention as well. Not sure how it began. Could have been that wool rug that was professionally cleaned and stored in plastic in the garage. (I did see tiny little pellet like dots that I think is their feces in the bag.) If it was the rug, than I picked up the moths at the rug cleaner. Not impossible. I also had a stunning wool carpet in my bedroom that they were in love with! Overnight i saw a line of those little dots across the bottom of a piece of furniture about 5 or 6 feet wide. They must have gone underneath to hatch or do whatever it is they do. I fucking hate them! They have eaten holes in a Fortuny chandelier, numerous cashmere and wool sweaters, forced me to rip out my carpet, eaten silk clothing, scarves, and Pashmina wraps. Need I say more? I exterminated the whole house for them. Did it work? Of course not! I considered tenting and am glad you told me that even that heat won't deter those horrific varmints. My exterminator did tell me they are near impossible to get rid of. I did a lot of what you did with the sweaters. I took the good ones, had them dry cleaned, and the holes darned. The others I just got rid of. I see moths outside dancing around the lights, but my exterminator tells me they are a different kind of moth. They sure look the same. What I have done, is order (from Amazon) those moth traps that fold into triangles. The inside is sticky and the moths are drawn to them. I can send you a pic of what i get. Don't know how to post it here. They work, however they do NOT eliminate the problem. The exterminator said they are very clever about hiding. He said to look underneath the collars of your clothing and inside the arms if they are folded up. He says only the larvae are harmful. I have discovered the larvae only once. It was gross. But to me, those moths are doing their own damage too. I could talk to you about this for hours. I hope your readers will chime in with some of their own solutions. Those traps (just type in moth traps) are useful, but not the final solution. I didn't know about the freezer, but of course makes sense. I hope they can't thaw out and survive. Growing up in Cleveland we had what we called "the moth ball closet". It smelled that awful smell that i am not interested in having in my home. I suppose it's contents were vulnerable pieces of clothing. I just remember the smell. Yucccchhhhh. Can't wait to hear some new ideas and hope my tips are of use to some.